Sunday, June 18, 2006

How This Mom Watches World Cup (In 7 Easy Steps)

1. Most importantly, you have to convince your two offspring that this is a good idea. Do not be lulled into a false sense of security that this will be easy if your two offspring are male. Particularly if they are under the age of 7. Indeed, evidence from a friend with two sons shows she had the same problem.

2. Persevere with No. 1. They may moan, ask to watch anything else or even, in a fit of desperation, suggest they will play outside. "Why do we want to watch television on a beautiful day like this?" they may ask. The correct response is to laugh, and heartily at that, because if they had control of the remote they would very much like to watch telly on a beautiful day like this. But they don't have the remote.

3. Don't say it to them during the game, but it's important that they watch England play World Cup, because, frankly, you don't want them to turn into the type of kids who get beat up in the playground.

4. Once you have asserted your authority over the remote, sit down and enjoy the game. But never forget you are a mother and your middle name is "Multitasking," so surround yourself with piles of laundry that need to be folded. Fold, watch, take sips of beer-- be sure said children do not trip over the beer-- and cheer, as necessary.

5. If the children decide that they are more interested in reading a book than watching the exploits of Beckham and the Bunch, do not despair. At least they're not still asking for the remote back.

6. Try not to recall the beer-fueled days of yore when watching Villanova victorious or Chicago celebrating. Those days are gone. This is the best it's going to be for World Cup. That's right: piles of laundry and a lukewarm beer. Life is good!

7. Take the opportunity to teach your children the fine art of celebration when England scores, and scores again. Jump, scream, clap and raise your hands in the air like you just don't care. (But you do, of course. Especially the beating-up-in-the-playground part.)

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